Who am I when everything is unconventional?
I have done a lot of different things and had a lot of different experiences - whether of my own choosing or not. However, there are several things that have happened that have been somewhat unconventional that left my conventional self questioning the sense of faith in my life.
In 2012, as I was walking in downtown Baltimore during my lunch break, I was attacked. I was held at knife point, pushed into the back of a black van and driven around and raped by 5 guys and a girl. ( I know you might have been looking for a build up, but I have a lot to say in a small window of words). You go through the motions of "Why Lord!" and "They could have picked anyone. Why me?" I was angry and couldn't understand, but my level of faith would not let me walk away from God, wouldn't let me stop anything that I was studying and reading.
Moving forward, I was dating at the time and it made it uncomfortable and just plain weird. Thing is, I refused to be a statistic. I didn't want to be a victim. So I looked in the mirror and started talking to myself to combat what I was feeling and thinking. The inner me needed to be rebuilt before I could even attack how I felt about God. Fast forward a little to 2014, and I was dating the same someone who I loved dearly. I was changing schedules, breaking away from lots of my church activities, dressing differently...why? Because someone who I loved and, so I thought, loved me asked me to marry him. MA'AM & SIR! I was ecstatic. We were doing a superhero themed wedding, he was my Superman and I was his Wonder Woman.
Through the process certain things started happening. For two people who didn't argue, we argued all the time (exaggeration - it was a lot though). I started asking questions about belief ideals, etc. and I was puzzled at the answers I was receiving. So I said one prayer one night when he had fallen asleep while we were watching a movie. I said "God, uncover what I do not see so I can make sure this is for me." Don't ask God for what you don't want. For someone who has wanted to be married since they were 12, what in the world was I doing? So 6 months later - He ended it because He wasn't ready. Even though all this happened, in such a short period of time by October, I was back to Kris and moving on.
So what makes that so unconventional? Well let me tell you....The definition of unconventional is not based on or conforming to what is generally done or believed. So...
1 Peter 5:10 (ESV) : And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
My radical faith pattern moved me from the ordinary to an opportunity to show through traumatic situations to become an outrageous believer. I am overwhelmed with where God is taking me and how He is using me simply from my obedience to put Him first before my desire to get married. The outpouring of the level of anointing that has come puts me in places that I never would have suspected I'd be where I have to share these stories with people so that I can show the outstanding power of what God can truly do.
Be unconventional when it comes to your healing process. Cry to get it out, but don't dwell in that space. Seek God for the restoration and strength. I'm praying that your faith will fail you not!!!!!