Who am I when everything is joyful?
While everyone was full of bliss, I was filled with anger, and lots of it!! I’ve always been told “you have a beautiful smile”, but behind the mask, was no smile. To make a long story short, my parents got divorced when I was 15. That’s when I remember my anger starting to take control over me. Rewind before that- I was very well taken care of.
So I’m in high school. I have excellent grades (I graduated with a 3.8 GPA), in several honor societies, I’m an athlete, I’m friends with a lot of people, I’m a role model to other black girls. I have no reason to be angry because “I’m doing what I’m supposed to do” right? WRONG!! I was angry because I did not understand why my parents got divorced, or why I had to work at such a young age.
Fast forward. I’m in college (a proud alumna of thee Morgan State University). I’m an introvert. I’m angry because I’m broke. I shouldn’t have been angry because I got a 20,000 scholarship (My 22,000 debt could have been 42,000 but God!!). This is when my anger really started to consume me. Everything used to make me angry. I find it hilarious now because now I can’t even remember what used to make me angry! I had to ask my best friends. And when I say angry, I mean ANGRY! Like have an attitude for the rest of the day angry.
If you text me in the morning and don’t say good morning, ANGRY! I wouldn’t even want to hold a conversation with you anymore.
If you didn’t respond to my text messages, and I really needed you, ANGRY!!
If something didn’t go my way, ANGRY! I am the youngest child so that explains a lot.
If we plan to meet up at 5:00 for dinner at Chik-fil-a, and you show up at 5:04, ANGRY!
When someone pointed out my flaws, I’d get angry. I already know I’m imperfect. You pointing it out doesn’t help me. At all.
Then I started my career. I was extremely blessed to get a job 2 days after graduation, in my field!!!! It was hard to balance my new career, along with life. I was extremely tired (all the time), and when I’m tired, I get angry.
It wasn’t until 2016, when I decided I wasn’t going to be angry anymore. My motto for the year is “Positive Vibes Only”. I know people have heard of this phrase before but I decided I wanted my happiness back. I fasted for the first time in a long time. It was long overdue. I’ve read the Bible, and wrote in my Journal more in this year than I ever have. I can finally say I’m genuinely happy. That’s all I’ve ever been. So who am I when everything is joyful? I’m joyful too!