Who Am I When Everything Is Unmanageable?
I’ve never been someone who was shy of hard work. In high school I was able to balance school, work, and extracurricular activities. I could manage. In undergrad, I was able to perform well in school, conduct research, and hold leadership positions in my Sorority. Of course during midterms and finals’ weeks things got a little hectic, but none the less I was able to manage. Fast forward to the beginning of 2016, I was in my second year of my PhD program, extremely involved in ministry at my church, and to top it off I was assisting in chartering a chapter in my sorority here in Buffalo. However, in that season it soon became evident that my workload was heavy and my life became unmanageable.
Unmanageable is defined as difficult or impossible to manage, manipulate, or control. Which is exactly how I felt. I felt like there was no way I could manage everything successfully. My grades were dropping, experiments weren’t going as planned, and bringing new members into the organization took a greater toll on me than I thought. No matter how much I prayed and recited Philippians 4:13 (“I can do all things through Christ…”) I would feel inspired for a few hours, but then I went back to feeling extremely overwhelmed and tired.
For the first time ever I literally felt like I was in spiritual warfare. From the outside looking in it was quite simple, some of the tasks I would just have to give up. However, it wasn’t that simple. I knew that God wanted me to get involved with bringing the sorority to Buffalo, I knew that God wanted me at church when the doors were opened (Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday), and I knew that it was God who planted me in my graduate program in the first place. So why did I feel like everything was so unmanageable? When I cried out to God He said one word. FAITH!
Hebrews 11: 1 describes faith as “…confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” I couldn’t see myself managing my workload because the enemy had magnified my problems, work, and failures to the point where my Faith in God had started to diminish. Instead of trying to manage all of this on my own (putting faith in myself) God had to remind me that I need to strengthen my Faith in Him. Although my life is still busy and I still have a lot on my plate, I trust that God will see me through. I am truly beginning to feel at peace. For peace is not the absence of turmoil, but the presence of tranquility in the midst of chaos. So instead of feeling like everything is unmanageable, I pray that the Lord strengthens my Faith daily that I may become unmanageable (difficult or impossible to manipulate or control) to Satan and his tricks and schemes.