Who Am I When Everything is Pushing Me to The Edge?
I was entering the second semester of my junior year of college. I had just finished one of the seemingly hardest semesters in my academic career. My sisters and I were all preparing for the semester ahead as we were getting ready to bring in new sisters. As time went on there were little things that began happening that didn’t quite sit well with me however I chose to ignore them instead of taking heed.
One evening during the midst of all the mess, we ended up going to an event. We had an awesome time. A young man ministered in song that evening and it was amazing. When we were almost out of the door, the young man grabbed me and looked me square in my eyes. He simply said, “I don’t know why, but God is telling me to tell you, that you are strong enough.” At first i wanted to brush it off, only because he started the sentence with “God told me to tell you” which is church code for, I’m about to say something really cliche and hopefully it touches you, but I felt something when he said that and something told me to hold on to that.
A couple of weeks pass and there is a lot of turmoil going on in my life both personally and academically. I felt myself at the end so many times and at one point I didn’t think I had it in me to go much further. Me being as quiet as I am, I do not like telling people when I feel overwhelmed or like I am losing control because i don’t like to worry those that I care about. Which I now know is selfish.
One particular night while I was in the midst of this storm, I remember being in my room late one evening, thinking about everything that was going on, and I begin to weep uncontrollably and yet in silence to not wake my roommate. Looking back the best thing would have been to call my sisters or friends or at least pray but none of that came to mind as I couldn’t see past the pain. In the moment of heartbreak and regret I heard the words that the young man decided to speak to me. For the first time I had begin to feel the touch and love of God during a time I thought he was completely silent. Then I got up and went to the bathroom to have praise and worship by myself and started praising God because I remembered Romans 8:28. A song that particularly touched me was Everlasting Love by CeCe Winans.
As I sit and reflect on this time, I can honestly say that even though, to those around me i was seemingly unaffected. I was actually carrying the weight of everything going on around me on my shoulders instead of giving it God. I realize that if I tried to carry my burdens on my own I would never be strong enough. In order for me to find my true strength I had to realize first that i was weak and that it was in my weakness that God was able to move and keep me and my mind. I had to look back over my life and think about all that God has done for me and that if he brought me through once, he would surely be able to do it for me again. I am grateful because I know without a shadow of a doubt that the God i serve is not only on time but he is always there and he never left me, even when i selfishly thought i was all alone. I urge you, that the next time you think you have to be strong by yourself, realize that you are actually weak and its in that weakness that God can show up the strongest. Allow God to be God in my life is the best decision i could have made. And even with the scars that I have, they are there to remind me that God has been there for me again and again. Thank you Jesus!