Who Am I When Everything is Dark?
"What if I would've driven into the other lane of traffic that day?......."
Often times when people deal with something specific, they want someone that they can relate to. It just feels good to hear the heart of someone who has dealt directly with a specific challenge and managed to make their way through it. As many may know... I am passionate about raising awareness about depression and suicide. This is not just "something to do"... I'm raising awareness because I understand what it feels like. When these heavyweights team up, it's very tough to fight back, especially when you feel they have robbed you of your strength to begin with. You feel like you are quickly sinking into a dark pit of quicksand and no matter what you do or who says what.... It doesn't help. You don't want to get out of bed, you feel "ugly" and worthless, you don't want to do anything you once enjoyed, let alone try anything new, your energy is low, you can't think, can't sleep.... Just everything is blah....every little setback is devastating. Yeah, I know. The great thing here is that you have the strength to take back your strength and show yourself that the ball will always be in your court. You were not born to be sad. You will certainly deal with things that will make you sad but not "keep" you sad. Does this make sense?
On the flip side, being the one that "helps" people cope through these challenges and also navigating my way through is one tough battle, I became baffled. I told myself 3 years ago, how can I help someone and I can barely help myself sometimes? I asked God, "Why me?" Why can't I just live my life, happy, free, no major worries, just why?".......and He replied with an image of Jesus on the cross. Sooooo...Enough said. He is what I need-He is my present help. His life was a sacrifice for me so that I might live an abundant life that is purposed to help others fulfill their God-given dreams. I translated this to also mean that my life is also a sacrifice to help others gain insight into how they can make it through depression and suicidal thoughts and hold on to hope. Hope or Faith (whichever you prefer) is what pleases God. Having hope for my life is what I understand now to mean that I am pleasing God. He worked too hard on me to end it all. What if He would've gotten off that cross because it was too hard? What if? Man.... This gets me together every time. What I go through may not always be for me....it may be to help someone else.
So, I said all this to say, nothing in life is never worth ending it because of the deadly duo "depression and suicide"... You have and always will have purpose. Don't believe the lies they tell you as truth. God didn't bring me this far or you this far to leave you (as we've heard so many times). You have everything it takes in you to win. I learned that my revelations in life may not come automatically but in the end, they are worth hoping for.
“Who I am When Everything Reminds Me of How Much God Loves Me?”
So y'all, I'm still here and I still have purpose. I fought my way through and I fight every day! I fight by renewing my mind, which shapes my feelings and guides my decisions and actions. I have learned that no matter what challenge I may face or how dark it gets sometimes in my life, I know that my mission in life is to create brighter days for everyone; and with this in mind...I will not give up on God. I challenge you to do the same. You will make it.
So to answer my question, what if I would've driven into the other lane of traffic? There is no real answer to a "what if"... What's most important is what happens because I've decided never to give up.
May your hearts be forever inspired ....